A friend from home

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Yesterday, I was lucky enough to get to spend most of my day with a dear friend from home, Carrie.  She’s here in Vienna for a business conference, but had some free time yesterday, so we met up, I played a bit of a tour guide, and we got to hang out.  It was so lovely to see her, to visit and catch up, and to get to show her a little bit of Vienna.

Carrie and I have been friends for a long time — over 30 years.  She’s my oldest friend (no, not like THAT).  We met in kindergarten, when we were just 5.  Not only is it amazingly fantastic that I am lucky enough to have had a great friend like her for that long, but there is something particularly special about the fact that she got to visit yesterday with Benjamin, who is now also 5.  How great is that?!?  32 years ago, we met in Ms. Gill’s kindergarten class at Sherwood Elementary, and now, here we are, in Vienna, Austria, and she spent the day with me and my little boys.  How many people get to have an experience like that?  (I feel very fortunate that I do!)  And, as in the wonderful way of good friends, hanging out with her yesterday felt as comfortable and familiar as it would have if we’d had to drive only a few minutes to see each other, instead of her having to fly overnight to get here.

Carrie has two little boys, too, and one of the (many) things that continues to excite me about moving home again is that, once we’re there, our kids will have the chance to become good friends, too, and they might even have the good fortune of creating friendships that could, truly, last their whole lives.

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At loose ends

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Having some time on my own is wonderful.  I’ve already stopped calling it “free time” because it’s been very busy time, mostly full of very exciting things like folding laundry and sweeping the floor.  I actually am having trouble figuring out how to fit all of the things I want to do with this time into the time that I have.  My to-do list is longer than the hours I have available.  Eventually, I’ll figure out what is important enough to get my attention and what will need to be put off (but it’s a little overwhelming while I figure it out, because everything feels like IT MUST GET DONE).

Oddly, though, I am feeling overwhelmed and aimless at the same time.  While I have a ton of stuff to do, some exciting, some mundane, some essential, there’s also an odd sensation of drifting.  I have lots to do, but I’m totally on my own while I do it.  Instead of weaving every moment of my day around the whims, tantrums and snack schedules of two little people, I’m independent.  That’s liberating, but also lacking in definition and direction.

While it’s nice having time to myself, it’s also lonely, and it feels a little . . . useless, maybe?  After being “on” as a mom every minute, and filling my time with menial but important tasks like folding laundry and changing diapers, running errands at the mall or sitting down for a solitary coffee feels pleasant (in that there’s less poop involved) but a little . . . superfluous.  It’s a strange sensation.  I’m not working, I’m not taking care of the kids, I’m not devoting every minute to the household . . . so what AM I doing?

So, I think I’m starting to get it.  I think this is what I’ve heard other expat “trailing spouses” talk about.  There is some sadness, a slight loneliness, a vague panic of being on my own.  It’s not being “alone” — after 5 years of almost never having solitude, I find the alone part of it very peaceful.  It’s a kind of pressure, an expectation.  Now that I actually have time to myself, what am I going to make of it?  What am I going to do?  I have no excuses for not squeezing every bit out of being here now … but what does that even mean?

So, I’m a little overwhelmed.  On the one hand, I don’t want to spend every minute that the kids are in school folding laundry and going to the grocery store.  On the other hand, I want to feel useful.  This is a whole new world for me.  I think it’s going to take a while to sort it all out.

Win-win

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The kids have done an amazing job adapting to being (back) in school.  Benjamin loves being back (maybe more than he ever has before) and Liam has adjusted to going to school so quickly that I don’t quite believe it (I’m still kind of waiting for the “your kid is inconsolable” phone call that hasn’t come yet).  Yesterday, Liam was so eager to get into class and start playing that he didn’t even come over for a hug and a kiss.  I just got a wave from halfway across the room.  (I was fine, really, if a little shocked.)

Since the kids started school, a week and a half ago, our lives have pretty much revolved around school.  The housework hasn’t gotten done, the errands haven’t been run, we’ve been entirely out of any kind of a routine.  And that’s fine — that’s what we expected, and what we wanted.  Our focus has been on helping Liam have the easiest transition possible to school, and we’re all willing to live with dust bunnies for a while to make it happen.

The first few days of school I actually went to Liam’s class with him and stayed for an hour or so.  Then, I progressed to leaving him for a little while and wandering around the shops near the school to bide my time.  Then, at the end of last week, I gave him and hug and a kiss and dropped him off, but I still lingered near the school . . . just in case.  Monday and Tuesday of this week, he actually stayed for the entire morning (8:30-ish until noon) but I didn’t really trust it, so I still hung out in the general vicinity of the school.  Since we live almost 40 minutes from the school, I was dreading getting all the way home, only to get a call that he needed me, and then being 40 minutes away from being able to rescue him.  But, it didn’t happen — that call never came.

So yesterday, I was brave.  I left.  I dropped both boys off and then went to run some errands (that weren’t right near the school).  I bought some shampoo (for me!), made a haircut appointment (for me!), picked up lunch for the family and then went home to take a shower (all by myself!), drink a cup of coffee (without having to worry where I set the cup), do some laundry and straighten up the house (which all took a shockingly short time).

I love my kids.  I have adored spending the last 5 years with at least one of them all the time.  But, to be honest, yesterday was pretty awesome.  I truly surprised myself with how much I was able to get done, without stress.  The house looks better than it has in weeks, I took care of some things from my to-do list, and I feel GREAT.  The best part is that when the boys came in after school, they were exhausted, but I was “done”.  My chores and errands were finished, I’d already taken a shower, lunch was on the table.  I got to spend the whole afternoon really *with* the kids, instead of getting stuff done and trying to play at the same time.  Yesterday was only the first day of getting close to our new routine, but so far, it really seems like a win for everyone.

I remember

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I’ve not been in the US on September 11 for several years now, but judging by Facebook (which may not be the most reliable source), it seems that “never forget” is what people say today.  I don’t really understand it — I can’t imagine that anyone who was alive in 2001 and who has an ounce of humanity in them could possibly forget the horror of that day.  But, then, what else could we say?  What is there to say but, “I haven’t forgotten.  I remember too.”

I do remember.  I remember the shock and the disbelief and the slow-coming understanding that people did this on purpose.  I remember the confusion.  I remember how afraid we all were, and how many things in the world were suddenly unimportant.  I remember watching people die on tv.  I remember watching people jump to their deaths because they didn’t want to burn.   I remember watching firefighters and police officers run to their deaths just so they could TRY to save someone else’s life.  I remember watching the towers fall and knowing how many lives had just ended.  I remember hope dying, too.  I remember frantic phone calls and reassurances from friends.  I remember ash-covered faces and heartbroken families.  I remember clear blue skies and eerie silence and realizing I, and the whole world, had been changed.

I remember.

I will never forget.  I could never forget.  I remember, too.

Again, autumn

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We woke up this morning to cool, crisp air.  Fall comes on pretty early in Vienna.  A few weeks ago, near the end of August, we woke up one morning and we knew that summer was over.  That’s how it happens here.  Something in the air and the light changes, and you just know that summer has left Vienna and it won’t be back until June or July next year.  The heat is gone, there is no more humidity, the breezes are cool, the evening starts to come noticeably earlier.  Summer was over.

Today feels like the next piece of the transformation.  Today doesn’t just feel like “not summer”, today feels like fall.  It’s still warm today, but last night was quite cool.  Each morning, for the past few days, there have been little piles of leaves in the courtyards and at the bottom of the escalators in the U-bahn stations.  I know we’ll use the a/c less and less, it will start to rain more often, and, in what feels like just moments, it will be time to bundle up the whole family every time we leave the house.

For now, though, it’s fall, my favorite season.  And fall in Vienna is really lovely.  Cool, crisp, breezy and beautiful.  Vienna is such a lovely city, and there are so many outdoor areas to explore.  The pumpkins are showing up at the market already (to eat, not to carve), as well as the apples.  Fall has arrived.  And now that I have some free time (Liam is doing a great job of adjusting to school — I think tomorrow may be my first day of not lingering in the area of the school, just in case he needs me), I am looking forward to exploring.

Hoffest

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Every September, some of our neighbors put together a block party – a Hoffest – which more correctly translates as a “courtyard party”, which makes sense, since it’s held in one of the four courtyards of our building.  Everyone in the building is invited, whether they live or work here.  We all bring some food or drink to share, someone brings a grill, someone puts up balloons.  Our first year here, we went, and we made an effort to meet people and connect, but being new and knowing almost no German, it was daunting (although we did get a very neat tour of the hidden catacombs below our building).  Last year, we were on vacation in early September.  But last Friday we got to go to our second Hoffest, and it was a great success.

006It was really lovely, and our comfort and ease with our neighbors and with the language were a striking contrast to last time.  We ate, we socialized, we met new people.  The kids ran around and played, made new friends and ate too much cake.  We stayed for hours and visited with our friends and neighbors.  Last time, I remember gritting my teeth and smiling anyway and getting through it.  This time I chatted and smiled and left because it was getting late, but I had a few more people I wish I’d gotten to talk to.  It was exactly what a neighborhood party should be, and we were definitely a part of it.  It felt so normal . . . that it actually felt strange.  We’re so unaccustomed to not fitting in and being on the outside that being included was odd (but so very nice).

We feel pretty well accepted here.  We’re still “the Americans”, but we’re no longer “the new people”.  We still don’t speak a lot of German, but we don’t have to begin every conversation by asking if the other people speak English.  We have friends here, we know our neighbors.  It is so nice, and normal, and comfortable.  It seems like a little thing, but it’s a milestone I wasn’t sure we’d ever reach.

Week one

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Liam was at school without me for 3 hours today.  He didn’t cry.  He wasn’t sad.  He ate breakfast, played with the other children (on the way home he made a point of telling me he played kindly with the other children, which is what it says in the book I made him about starting school), did circle time and played outside.  He did great.

While he was at school, Dan & I had our first a.m. kid-free coffee break since we’ve been here.  It was weird, but very pleasant — we each got to finish all of our sentences AND our coffees.  Then I hung out at the coffee shop down the street from the school, just in case Liam needed me.  He didn’t.  Monday I may actually plan to try to get some things done.

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B is doing great and becoming quite the “Vorschule Kind”.  Yesterday, he colored an apple and cut it out to help decorate the class for the apple unit they’re doing.  He also spelled his name with stamps (and then threw in some extra “n”s at the end to fill up the page).

Things are good.  The boys are happy.  This is awesome.  We’re all exhausted, but our weekend will be full of resting time, for all of us.  What a great first week!

Progress

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Yesterday was another great day at school.  Liam stayed a lot longer (almost 2 hours) and played most of the time by himself.  He went with the teacher to eat breakfast (without me) and stayed in the classroom for circle time while I sat in the hall.  He had a great time and was totally comfortable.  I was so happy that he was taking everything so well.

Today, he must have sensed that something was up, because from the moment we arrived, he didn’t want to be away from me.  He was happy to play, but only if I played with him.

After about 45 minutes, his teacher wanted to try me going away and coming back later.  He was not happy.  He immediately started to throw a fit, and I didn’t even get to properly explain what was going to happen before they were rushing me out.  (Which I didn’t like, because of course I would prefer to have him happy and relaxed while I was leaving, but at that point, I think I would have just been making it worse by drawing it out.  Besides, we’ve spent lots of time over the past days preparing him for how school works.)

By the time I came back to get him, though, all was well.  He apparently cried a bit when I left, and threw an absolute fit when his teacher tried to get him to have a snack (so they just skipped that for today) but he participated in circle time, and when it came time to play outside, he was very happy.  As a bonus, Benjamin’s class was outside at the same time, so they got to play together, which resulted in two very excited boys (and lots of hugging).

B has still been doing great.  He had a bit of a meltdown yesterday while playing outside when he saw a bee (a new fear after we got several in the house one day last week) but he did much better today.  In fact, he told me that the moment when he saw Liam in the garden today was the best moment of his life and that he will never have a better one.

Although I do hope he does find even better moments in life, I can’t think of anything being better right now than the fact that he feels that way.  I love my guys, and I’m so proud of both of them.

What have I done?

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Yesterday, several of my friends’ kids started kindergarten, just like B would have been if we were living in the States.  Seeing images of 5 year olds boarding school buses with sweet name tags and setting off for a familiar kindergarten experience got me a little panicky.  Because now I’m wondering, what have I done to my kids?  What am I doing to them by deviating from the “normal” (for me, as an American) experience?  Now I feel like we’ve really turned a corner and stepped off of the path I know.  Now it seems really real that the lives we’re living here are different.

My friends’ kids are going to kindergarten, on the school bus, in English, and learning how all of that works while mine . . . aren’t.  Next year, when we’re back in the US, B will be expected to know how those things work (more or less) but he isn’t getting the benefit of being “new” right along with everyone else.  They’re all expected to be new right now, to not really know how things work, and they’re all learning together.  Next year, he won’t know, but he’ll be the only one.

Basically, I’m left wondering if the things he’s gaining by being here this year truly outweigh the things he’s missing.  I’m freaking out a little.  I hope I’m changing their experiences, not ruining them, enriching their lives, not making a mess of them, allowing them to learn new things, not setting them back.  I hope, I hope, I hope.  Only time will tell, really, but I also hope that as long as we all look at these altered experiences through the lens of “different, not less than”, that it helps.

(I also haven’t had a good expat freak out in a while, so I guess I was due.)

The second day

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Today was the second day of school. For B, things are still pretty much the same — they haven’t yet gotten much into the Vorschule work yet — the only difference for him so far is getting to play with some of the big kid toys. I did get to chat and share a hug with one of B’s teachers today — I didn’t see her yesterday (extra credit for us because she speaks less English than I do German — considering that, we do pretty well). He is so proud and excited to be in Vorschule. I think he is really loving being one of the “big kids”, but still, he’s pretty used to being at school. He really does love it.

But for Liam, every day for a while will be an adventure. Today started the same as yesterday, with Liam & I playing together and exploring the classroom, but after a bit, the teacher came over and took him off to play on the other side of the room while I watched. He did so well. He put two puzzles together and played with cars. While they were working on the puzzles, he got up a few times to wander off, so Teresa (his teacher) would take him by the hand and bring him back, and he would happily continue. It was pretty neat to watch him be so relaxed and able to focus in this new environment.

While his teacher played cars with Liam and the other children, I got to watch the class for a bit. I really love this school. I’ve seen B’s teachers be kind, attentive, strict and playful, but it was reassuring to see that the same qualities that make me love B’s class exist throughout the school. One teacher sat and played with a girl who was there without her mom for the first time, while another (who speaks no English) worked through a game with a boy (who speaks no German).

Liam’s teacher gradually withdrew from playing with the cars, leaving Liam to play, quite happily, on his own with several other kids from class. It was fun to see him be himself, and play in such a relaxed way, with new kids. He seems very happy.

After we’d been there an hour or so, it was time to go home. He didn’t want to go (and if he had to go, he really wanted to take some toys with him). With reassurances all around that he can go back tomorrow, he reluctantly came with me to change his shoes and head home.

When we got home, I had one very tired guy. We’ll rest up and go again tomorrow. Good progress is being made. (And B can’t wait until Liam is around long enough to play with him in the garden. I can’t wait for that, either!)