What to Know About Moving Abroad for Your Spouse’s Career: Don’t

It is the single biggest mistake I have ever made in my life – agreeing to move abroad, giving up my own opportunity to work, as well as all of the support and protection of my family and friends, so that my husband could take a job that was meant to be “a great opportunity for all of us”.

There’s no question that moving to Austria has afforded us some truly amazing opportunities: traveling across Europe, living in a different culture, getting to strengthen my own independence and self-confidence, giving the kids the fabulous experience of attending an international school and traveling to spend time with friends in different countries.  But none of it can compare to the position of vulnerability I put myself in by coming here.

My husband is an abuser.  It took a long time for me to realize the extent of it – if he had started off pushing me down on day 1, I obviously would have left.  The analogy of frogs in a pot is incredibly apt (and I don’t even know if it’s true for frogs) – if the heat gets turned up gradually enough, they’ll stay put and get cooked.  And that’s what happened to me.

I have no idea if he orchestrated this move abroad to intentionally isolate me from my support structure, but there’s no question that he took full advantage of the isolation once it existed.  My husband had (apparently) always cheated – he started out seeing prostitutes when I was pregnant with our first son, and that was while we were still in the US.  But I didn’t know.  I knew he was withdrawn and disengaged throughout my pregnancy, but I thought he was struggling with the psychological impact of impending fatherhood, and I cut him a lot of slack.  Once the kids had arrived, I was too busy and exhausted to worry too much about how he was spending his time, but his cheating escalated throughout our remaining time the US.

Once we were living here in Austria, all pretence of partnership and fidelity were off.  He continued to see prostitutes, during lunch breaks and even when he would go out for errands like getting his hair cut.  I eventually discovered his infidelity, but he begged his way into me letting him stay, offering abject apologies, claiming sex and alcohol addiction, entering 12 step programs, and spending tens of thousands of dollars on therapy.

Our original plan was to live here for 1-2 years, but once he had me and the kids separated from the other people who loved us, he was never going to let that degree of control go.  He constantly claimed that there was no feasible work for him back in the States, and dangled an imminent promotion if we could “just stay a few more months” (flash forward 13 years, and the promised promotion has never materialized).  I faced an uphill battle in trying to go back into the workforce, living in a foreign country where I don’t have an advanced command of the language.  I tried for 7 years to get hired ANYWHERE and settled for piecemeal freelance work that was never going to grant me economic autonomy.  Just like he wanted.

As the years progressed, he became less engaged in our family life, more distant, crueller in his interactions with me and the kids, and eventually his abuse turned physical (as it always will in cases like this).  Completely unbeknownst to me, his cheating continued and worsened, with prostitutes as well as a series of sad, lonely women from his workplace, who he softened with fabricated stories about how he was the victim of a miserable life of his own creation.  After discovering his third affair (and him admitting to at least two others), and being subjected to even more physical violence, he moved out.

Now I am living in a foreign country, having to start over professionally, and trying to navigate separation, child support, alimony, visitation, and (eventually) divorce in a foreign language and in a country with absurd ideas on what it costs to raise a child.  He continues to exert his control through financial means and with the help of a strongly patriarchal system that has allowed hm to have the advantage at every turn.  And now, of course, I *can’t* leave, because it would be in violation of our shared custody for me to do so, so he continues to have me (and the kids) exactly where he wants us – under his thumb and susceptible to his ongoing abuse.

There have been many things I have loved about living in Austria, and there are some beautiful memories and experiences that I will always treasure.

But if I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t.  I truly hope you don’t, either.

An American Expat’s Advice for a COVID Thanksgiving

As an expat, I haven’t been with my extended family at Thanksgiving in almost 10 years.  I get it.  It’s hard.  On this holiday, which is so much about togetherness, being far away is so tough.  But flying home 8 hours for a long weekend that isn’t a holiday where I am currently living … just won’t work.  The kids are in school, we are working, flights are expensive, and travel is unpredictable.  So, we don’t come home for Thanksgiving.  And, it’s not easy.  It isn’t a holiday here, so we have to conjure up all of the festiveness ourselves.  No one else is celebrating, so we have figure out how to make it happen — we have to hunt down supplies (if we want to make dinner ourselves) or figure out how to mark the day (if we choose not to cook).

Over the past nine years, I’ve met many other expat Americans navigating the same challenges. We make different choices, fight different battles, but we’ve sorted out how to make it work for us (more or less).  We celebrate (or we don’t), we honor our traditions (or we make new ones), we share our culture with new friends from other countries (or we gather together with other Americans in order to feel more at home).

Along the way, we’ve tackled a lot of the same challenges that are facing many Americans this year.  Due to COVID, many people are having to cancel or seriously alter their Thanksgiving plans.  You can’t see the people you want to, or celebrate the way you’re used to.  Believe me, I understand.  Here’s what I’ve learned over the years, in case it helps.

  • Accept that it *will* be different.  Don’t try to replicate “normal” Thanksgiving in an abnormal time.  Accept that this year will not be a perfect copy of what you’ve done in the past.  It can’t be — circumstances are different.  You’ll make yourself crazy trying to “get it exactly right.”  So don’t.
  • Allow yourself to miss what you’re missing.  Being away from people you love on a day that is ABOUT being with people you love is really hard.  It’s sad, and it can definitely be lonely.  Let yourself feel sad, lonely, disappointed, or angry at the circumstances.  Don’t try to feel like everything is normal.  It’s ok to be sad about what you’re missing.
  • Figure out what’s really important, and figure out how to do that (or to approximate it).  Is pumpkin pie your favorite?  Make or buy one!  Are mashed potatoes the thing that makes the meal special?  Make some!  Would it not be Thanksgiving without football?  Find a game and watch it (even if it’s old, even if it’s recorded, even if you already know how it turns out).  Whatever feels essential to you that you CAN do, do it.  Don’t judge or criticize yourself, just go with it.  And don’t be afraid to try something that’s not quite right, but might be close enough.  (This is definitely a “close enough is good enough” situation.)
  • Let go of everything else.  All the other “stuff” that you don’t care about (candied yams, or whatever) just drop them.  Don’t waste any of your energy on stuff you think you SHOULD do, but don’t actually want to.  One of the silver linings for this year is permission to abandon anything that doesn’t bring you the joy of the holiday.
  • Remind yourself of why you’re doing this.  Why *aren’t* you doing a normal holiday this year?  As an expat, we think about the job, or the lifestyle, or the relationships that brought us to our new country.  This year, everyone can appreciate that we are spending the holidays apart to PROTECT each other. It’s as important as it can possibly be.  It helps to remember that this is all happening for the greater good.
  • Connect with the people you love.  If it’s at all possible, figure out a way to connect with the people you’re not able to be with.  Call, exchange photos of your day, video chat, arrange to watch a movie or a football game “together”.  Anything to feel as close as possible, while you’re apart.
  • Look forward to the future.  This is temporary.  It’s not for forever.  It’s what’s happening right now … but it’s just one year.  Think ahead to what you will be able to do next year. Make plans!  Having something concrete to look forward to really helps.
  • Appreciate what you created.  However it turns out, whether you ordered pizza and pretended it wasn’t Thanksgiving, or cooked the whole meal from scratch, you made it through.  Give yourself a pat on the back, and give yourself some real credit for getting through what might have been a really tough day.  It isn’t easy, it isn’t what you wanted, but you made it.

Happy Thanksgiving, and good luck, from one American who can’t be with her family, to another.

VIPKid: How To Increase Your Bookings

Welcome to VIPKid, new teachers!

Many new VIPKid teachers struggle with getting regular bookings (or sometimes ANY bookings) in the beginning.  I get it.  TOTALLY.  I signed my VIPKid contract in December of 2017, didn’t have my first booking until March 2018 … and didn’t teach an actual student until May!  Eek!

But don’t let that freak you out!  First of all, my experience with getting started at VIPKid seems to be extremely unusual.  Plus, I did just about everything wrong that it is possible to do wrong during my first few months.  Now, I teach 3-4 afternoons per week, I have a bunch of regular students, and I teach pretty much whenever I want.  So even though I had a really rough start, it has gotten A LOT better.

But … don’t do what I did!  I want to share with you all of the mistakes that I made at the beginning of my VIPKid experience, so you can not make them.  Learn from my mistakes!  Don’t put yourself in the same frustrating and discouraging position that I did!  Here’s what I learned (by making all the possible mistakes as a new VIPKid teacher):

Continue reading

7 years

7 years. Today is the day we literally thought would never come. We had been told, repeatedly, and by those who should know, that 7 years at the IAEA was the absolute, no questions limit for anyone without a permanent contact (and those are incredibly rare).  It was one of the few things that everyone KNOWS about working in a place where do much is fickle and uncertain.  So, we were SURE we would be “home” by now. Well, 7 years, and a few small rule alterations later, and here we STILL are.

I don’t have an answer yet to the question — when will we be home?  I’m not sure.  I can’t rely on the rules and regulations to tell me, because those seem to be oddly flexible at the moment.  We will come back, but I don’t know when.

In the meantime … we’ve built a beautiful life here in Austria.  We’ve made this our home.  We’ve adjusted to so much — the language, the culture, raising a family in another country, being at “home” in two different places while also feeling like we don’t quite fit in either.  We’ve made wonderful friends, had incredible experiences, and continue to enjoy this big adventure.

You Should Vote

1471686495295

In case you’ve been living under a rock, in a cave, deep underground, possibly on another planet, and somehow you STILL haven’t heard, the United States is having an election this year, and, unbelievably, it’s somehow more of an insane, media-fueled circus freak show than usual.

If you’re an American, living abroad, please, PLEASE don’t let being far from home stop you from participating in the process this year.  If you want it to be as easy as possible to vote, check out this site:

You Should Vote

(I have nothing to gain by this, just trying to help out.  Also, yes, I know it’s been about 1,000,000 years since I’ve written anything.  I’m hoping that will change soon, now that the kids are back in school, but it’s also true that my purpose in writing this blog no longer matches my current situation as well as it once did.  I started it as a record of “adjusting to life abroad”, and now, having been here for 5 years, I’m not sure we’re really “adjusting” anymore.  Anyway, there will be more, hopefully soon.  In the meantime, please register to vote if you haven’t already.)