Stuck in neutral

Every so often I have a day like today — all morning I have this plan in mind of getting some things accomplished: going to the store, picking up lunch, doing some laundry, starting to pack and organize for our trip to the beach. It doesn’t seem like an unreasonable set of goals. But then, I suddenly realize that it’s after noon and although I managed to get out for a run this morning, I haven’t even taken a shower yet, the kids are hungry and about ready to pass out for nap time. I felt like I couldn’t get my day in gear, and I started to get really frustrated and overwhelmed trying to figure out the best way to salvage some productivity and efficiency (and fun) from my day.

Out of a desperate need to act in some way, I took a quick shower and then we all jumped in the car and drove in to town. We pulled up at the grocery store to pick up just a few things, and . . . Liam was asleep.

I was completely paralyzed by trying to figure out how to rearrange our day in order to squeeze out a little order and usefulness, but I couldn’t manage it. I couldn’t figure out the best or most useful thing to do, and it was stressing me out more as each minute passed. At that point, it was just time for plan B.

So, I stopped trying to figure out the best thing to do and just started doing something I needed to do. B and I went in to shop at CVS while Dan waited in the car with a sleeping Liam. I bought some things for our beach trip and some things for B’s upcoming birthday. I felt a little guilty for buying birthday things (like plates and wrapping paper) while he was there with me, but I kept reminding myself that it was better to buy it with him there with me than it would be to not get it at all or to turn into a massive stress case in order to get it as a surprise later.

It’s hard. I want to do everything right and I want to be orderly and efficient. But, if I can let go of those ideas, I really am happier.

I wadn’t efficient or organized today. But we got some stuff done and we had a good time doing it. It wasn’t perfect, wasn’t ideal, but it was ok.

We have a lot left to do to prepare for our trip. We had a pretty good day today. It might not be perfect, but we’ll get there. Eventually.

Where is everybody?

Even though I’m on vacation, I’ve been keeping up, more or less, with my exercise routine.  I’ve had to reschedule a few runs, but I’ve been running a few days a week and walking in between.  Yesterday was a running day — oh, how I have NOT missed the combination of humidity and hills provided by the mid-Atlantic — so I went for a walk today.  Dan, Benjamin and Liam joined me.  We walked for an hour, starting at my mom’s house, through some very cute and moderately upscale residential neighborhoods, past dozens of homes, several businesses and one high school.

And, in that hour, we saw exactly 3 people.

We didn’t see a single person out walking a dog.  We didn’t see a single person out for a run.  We didn’t see a single mom walking with a stroller.  We didn’t see a single child playing in the yard.  We pretty much didn’t see anyone.  (Of the 3 people we did see, two were running leaf blowers outside of a fancy house and one was a young guy mowing a lawn.  That was it.  And we didn’t see the first of them until over 25 minutes through our walk.)

It was really weird.  Almost Twilight Zone-ish.  Where was everyone?

I don’t know for sure, but I think they were all at work, and the kids are at daycare or camp.  If anyone was at home (it didn’t look like it) I guess they were inside.  It’s really different for us.  In Vienna, we live in the very heart of the city.  We would likely see 3 people out and about before we left the courtyard of our building.  We walk past a grocery store, a restaurant and a few shops before we even leave our block.  The only way we could walk for an hour from our front door and not run in to anyone would be if it was Christmas Day (and really, not even then).

It’s just a very different way of life.  Here, many, if not most, families have two incomes, and the kids spend the days at daycare, school or camp (since it’s summer).  People mostly don’t work near where they live.  Public transportation isn’t as readily accessible (although it’s not like we saw a lot of cars, either), and you don’t encounter fun public playgrounds every few blocks.

Even understanding the differences, though, I don’t really understand the COMPLETE lack of humanity we encountered on our journey.  No one walks their dog?  Not a single stay-at-home mom out for a morning walk?  Really?!?  I’ve never felt so isolated surrounded by so many signs of luxurious human habitation.  It was weird.

Best laid plans

I like to be on time. I hate being late. I like following though on plans. I hate blowing off things I have committed to do and people I want to see.

Most of the time, though, my kids are my first priority, and that means often being late and sometimes having to alter/cancel plans I’d rather follow through on.

This visit home has been full of late arrivals to see friends and meet family. We started the trip arriving to the airport half an hour later than we’d planned, and I don’t think we’ve been on time for anything since.

It’s hard. I want to be on time. I feel like it shows respect for the people we’re meeting and accurately conveys our enthusiasm about seeing them, whereas I imagine that being late is like saying, “We had somewhere else we wanted to be more”, which just isn’t true.

Except that there IS something I want more than I want to be punctual to see my friends and family: happiness. I’m working really hard on trying to have a great vacation with my kids, above all else. I want to be pleasant, happy, and make this an enjoyable experience for my kids, no matter what. Even if it means missing a few moments with friends, or having to disappoint someone by bailing on our plans.

My natural state is to strive for perfection, but in the wrong area. My instinct is to be rushed, irritable and grumpy with my kids so that I’m not a moment late to meet a friend. And, really, that’s pretty backwards. What’s the more valuable effort? It’s so much more important to arrive with kids that are still enjoying this adventure than it is to be on time.

So every time we’re late, but get there smiling, be patient with us and feel good — you’re helping me be a better mom by understanding. And when you show up late to see me, I know that’s what you’re doing, too, and I am so glad to be able to help you.

Heroic moments in parenting

Being a stay-at-home mom is NOT a glamorous job. Our best days involve doing a series of repetiive and often icky jobs for a bunch of people who don’t appreciate us. (And who often wish we WEREN’T doing those jobs — who really wants to be washed behind their ears or to have to eat their peas?) Our successes are measured in accident-free trips to the potty and the number of days we’ve gone eithout either yelling at our darling children or having to cart anyone to the Emergency Room. And yet, what we do is pretty important, it’s just not always easy to see that part when we’re down in the trenches every day.

Last week, when we were visiting Disney, we were standing in line at “It’s a Small World”. It’s a water ride, and we were almost to the front of the line, so we were on a bridge-like walkway, elevated, with water all below us. It had been a long, hot day, and the kids were getting tired, and a little cranky. I caught a movement, out of the corner of my eye, and just as Liam used his future NFL quarterback arm to lob his favorite sippy cup over the edge, towards the water, I reached out and snatched it out of the air, without even having a good look at where I was reaching.

It was a good moment. Dan was impressed. I saved the hell out of that sippy cup. Tragedy was averted — no sippy cups were lost, no patrons splashed with ancient, icky ride water. It was a glorious moment in parenting.

I am a pro-fessional, and I am good at my job. Sometimes you have to take a moment and celebrate the little victories.

Shadow

I met Shadow in 1993. My dad had just moved on to a big farm property owned by a family who had a bunch of sheep and a horse, Shadow. I was a horse-crazy teenager, and after determining that she was safe to be around and that her people didn’t mind, I frequently visited Shadow in her field, giving her a pat or a carrot whenever I was around. At one point, Shadow was bred, and she took a hiatus from the farm and came back with a big, unruly colt that I tried (with her owner’s permission) to work with (unsuccessfully).

As the years went on, I left for college, moved home, got married, and eventually got a horse of my own, who I kept out at the farm as well. To help offset the cost of Cricket’s board, I helped around the farm and helped take care of Shadow. She was a sweet and gentle horse — good for the farrier, quiet to work around, easy to ride. (Not always good for the vet, though — she did not like to get her vaccinations!) I got a second horse (Ellie), and my responsibilities with Shadow increased after her owners moved overseas. I rode her around the farm a good bit, especially as Cricket grew up and Ellie recovered from a serious injury. Shadow was good, quiet and reliable as a mount, and I eventually taught my sister, Jo, and then my husband how to ride on her.

After a few years, the owners of the farm decided they wouldn’t be coming back, and they wanted a new home for Shadow. Since we had been caring for her, they offered her to us. I didn’t really need a second horse, let alone a third, but we wanted to be sure she’d be safe and well cared for. We wanted to give her a good home. So, we bought her — for $500, including her saddle (it was the best horse money I ever spent).

Shortly after that, we left that barn for another one, bringing all 3 horses with us. We made a wonderful home for our horses in this new place, with our friend, Jill, to look after them every day. Dan would ride Shadow on the trails and I would ride Cricket. In the summers, Shadow used her quiet, gentle manner to “work” at a summer camp where she taught lots of children to do everything from ride for the first time to conquer a complex cross country course of jumps.

The years went on, Benjamin was born, and I left my career to stay home with him. It was hard to find the time to dote on each of the horses, and we found a girl to lease and enjoy Shadow. I also started teaching riding lessons, and Shadow became the best, safest, most reliable teaching horse I ever knew. She always took care of her rider — she didn’t spook, or misbehave, or take advantage of anyone’s fear or lack of knowledge. She would also, though, make a rider always ask her to do something the “right” way before she complied — she didn’t ever let her riders slack off, and she wouldn’t respond if they weren’t clear about what they wanted. She made them work, but when they did, they were rewarded with an enthusiastic, careful partner for their chosen adventure. She continued to be a favorite at camp, and helped many kids learn to ride and jump and try new things. She was a star.

She taught so many people so many things over the years, and she was a kind, sweet and peaceful spirit. This morning, we had to say goodbye to Shadow. I am so sad that she is gone, and even more that I wasn’t there for her when she left us. I am glad that she got to say a last, whinnied goodbye to her friends Cricket and Ellie, and I am so grateful that our friend, Jill, who loved her and has cared for her all these years, was with her and took care of her this morning. I know that she knew that she was loved.

I feel so lucky to have had her in my life — this horse who came to me kind of by accident. She will be missed and always remembered. She was a friend, teacher and partner to those of us who knew her, and she will never be replaced.

One of Jill’s nephews once saw Shadow, in all of her fuzzy winter glory, out in the field, and he was overcome with excitement at getting to meet a “white stallion” (she was a palomino mare, but who’s counting?). Her existence on this planet brought so many people joy, in so many ways. I will miss her so very much.

Stuff

My afternoon and evening have been mainly spent tracking down the myriad things we have strewn about since we got to Florida on Wednesday. My days of traveling light are definitely behind me for now, and so are my days of thinking that the easy phase of packing is re-packing before you leave where you were going.

That used to be true. I used to agonize (sometimes for days) over the exact right things to bring to maximize my efficiency (and cuteness) when I was preparing to travel. Then, when I had finished my trip, it was simple to collect up my efficient things (usually spread no further than the bathroom) to organize them for the return trip. No problem.

Efficiency is still the goal. But now I’m packing for 3 people (Dan packs for himself, more or less) and it’s not possible to pack precisely. Not only are there just a lot of things that are either needed or wanted (and which thus improve the quality of the trip) but I just don’t have hours to worry about whether each top goes with each bottom for every outfit (for maximum outfit efficiency — I used to think about things like that). Instead, a bunch of (hopefully) clean clothes and toys and things get tossed in some bags, and off we go. (The kids require A LOT of stuff. For anyone who isn’t familiar with traveling with kids, it might surprise you that approximately 70-80% of the volume of the things we pack for a trip are for the kids. It’s a lot.)

And once we get where we’re going, those things go EVERYWHERE. Things get played with, thrown and dropped. Clothes get dirty and left wherever they are changed, or somewhere between there and where they are supposed to go. The kids get new things. Things go in the fridge, in the car, outdoors, under and into furniture, and into and out of various bags. They get moved by me, Dan, the kids and potentially friends and family that we stay with and visit (and occasionally pets).

And then, it all has to be reclaimed, organized, packed again and brought along to our next destination. That’s what I did today. I think we found everything except for the blue sailboat pacifier. (It took us several hours and 5 searches of the van to find the blue sippy cup.) Tomorrow, we go on to our next destination: Maryland.

Happiest Place on Earth

Until today, my kids really had no idea about Disney. Outside of the Cars movie, their only exposure to Mickey and his friends was when our friends came to see us in February and brought some tv shows along with them.

So, our announcement yesterday that “We’re going to Disney!” was not met with the excitement that it might have been from other kids their age.

I think next time, though, it will be.

With grandparents who live in central Florida, I knew this trip would come sooner than it would have otherwise. Today, we made our first Disney trip — to the Magic Kingdom.

Driving to Orlando this morning was the calm before the storm. They didn’t know what to expect, so they weren’t worked up about it. That won’t ever be true again. Seeing them cautiously regarding the entrance, gradually catching our enthusiasm, I know it will never be like that again.

Of course, once we finally got our tickets, got in, had ice cream, watched the parade and rode the carousel, the kids wanted to go home (it was 11:53).

But, by 1:00, the story was, “I want to go on ALL the rides!”

We rode on a bunch of rides, saw a 3-D show, ate some ridiculously expensive lunch and had more ice cream than was probably prudent. We got too much sun, rode out a series of melt-downs (mostly from Liam), avoided some potential thinderstorms, and left, after nearly 11 hours, thoroughly exhausted.

Benjamin’s favorite part was the carousel (which he also listed as his least favorite, “because it was too wild”) and I think Liam liked “It’s a Small World” (which I also enjoyed, aside from the fact that if I stare too long at any of the characters, all I can think about is what a good horror movie could be made with them).

Dan observed that Disney is like Vegas for kids — signs and advertisements, huge resort hotels, places that are trying to capture their attention and get you to part with your money at every turn.

I was astounded by the logistics of the place. The size, the number of people, the attention to detail required. There are so many things to manage, and so many opportunities for something to go wrong. It’s impressive how finely tuned it all is.

And the staff are generally wonderful. I loved seeing how much enthusiasm they all had (or maybe faked, but convincingly) for the kids. It was touching.

We had a tremendous (in all senses) day. We are happy and worn out. And now my kids know what Disney is all about. The world is forever changed by that for them. I’m glad they liked it.

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Learning to swim

I can’t remember not knowing how to swim. I grew up with a grandmother who had a pool and an ocean-front beach condo, so we were introduced to water at a young age and learning to swim was a priority.

My kids don’t yet know how, and I’m anxious for them to learn. We looked in to infant swim classes, but it just didn’t seem to be the right fit for us. Now that we’re visiting Topés (Dan’s parents), who have a pool, I was excited to get them in the water.

So, today, we strapped on the floaties and threw them in (just kidding). They couldn’t wait to get in and try (B was more patient with the application of all of the accoutrements than Liam).

B climbed in to swim with me while Dan made adjustments to Liam’s safety equipment. Once he got over his initial shyness about the water, he was thrilled. I helped him float around, and he quickly started testing his mobility — he got pretty good at kicking, but didn’t like to paddle with his arms, because it splashes his face. Within about 5 minutes, he was telling me he could “swim on his own”. (Which, I recognize, is one of the dangers of the floaties — now he thinks he can swim.) It was wonderful to see his comfort and enthusiasm. I loved seeing how much he enjoyed his new-found freedom, as he splashed and floated around. He was so joyful and liberated by his new skills.

Liam was excited to join in, but didn’t get past the point of wanting to cling to me. (That’s ok — he’ll get there.)

I’m so glad to see both of my boys enjoy the water. They both did more today than they ever had before. I’m so happy to see it.

Making a long day a good one

We are just finishing up our longest day of travel EVER. We got up 24 hours ago, left for the airport 22 hours ago and spent nearly 12 hours in flight in between.

I’m so tired that i can’t think straight, so i’m not certain how coherent my writing is. But today, in addition to crossing the Atlantic with a toddler and a preschooler, i accomplished something — I didn’t miss the good moments. Because even today, when we had to walk for what felt like miles through the train station and both airports, when we were worried we were going to miss our flight, when we couldn’t be seated together, when Liam was screaming because he’d had enough of being still, when Benjamin was crying because his ears hurt or when we (temporarily) lost our passports, we had good moments.

20120706-231426.jpgGreat ones, actually. I got to snuggle with my sweet boys. I got to hold each of them while they slept. I got to hear B talk about flying and about our trip. I got to watch my kids play together. (I even got to watch non-animated tv for a few minutes!)

So, even though today was hard, stressful and exhausting, the fact that I managed to keep myself in a good mental place (most of the time) allowed me to stay open and available to those wonderful moments. And, my kids got to experience a relaxed, flexible, happy traveller as a mom (except for a few brief moments).

It was a VERY long day. I am tired. But I was together with my boys today, and it was wonderful.

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V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N

Very soon, we will be leaving on a month-long (for me and the boys, a bit shorter for Dan) vacation to the US.  We will visit 3 states and see our entire immediate family plus as many friends as we can possibly manage.

Over the past week, we’ve been saying temporary goodbyes to our friends and neighbors.  Here, when you tell someone, “Oh, we’re going to be away for a month”, they say, “Oh, are you going on holiday?”  In the US, if you say you’re going away for a month, everyone says, “Wow!  A whole month?!?”  Which, I admit, is very much my own reaction — vacations that last a week seem normal (if uncommon in my own life until very recently), 2 weeks seems decadent, and a month of vacation occupies the same realm of my mind as private jets and summer houses.  Here, a week is oddly short, 2 weeks is minimum, and a month is pretty standard in the summer.

Hmm. I’m not sure they’re supposed to look like this BEFORE we go . . .

That being said, this is going to be a vacation.  A for-real vacation.  I’m sure I will still blog, because I’m sure I’ll still have experiences and observations I want to record.  However . . . since it’s a vacation, I’m not going to promise to write every single day, and what I do write may be brief.  (Besides, I’ll be back in the States, so it’s not really being A Mommy Abroad anyway . . . and A Mommy Back in the US just doesn’t sound the same.)Our bags are packed, we’re ready to go.  I have a few things left to pack before we leave, but we’re pretty much ready.  I’m not stressed or freaking out.  I think we have what we need, and my experience tells me that whatever extraneous energy I put into agonizing over what we’ve forgotten will be wasted.

So, starting now, I’m on vacation.  Ahh . . . .