Falling apart a little

We’ve been here 3 weeks today.  We’re in our second temporary apartment.  We can’t get our things.  We’re having trouble getting the money we were counting on for getting started.  Our current living situation is less than ideal:  there’s almost nowhere safe and comfortable to put Liam down, no good place to feed either child (Benjamin has been eating dinner standing up at the coffee table in the living room . . . which is also his bedroom), very little place for Benjamin to play and since it’s very small, it’s nearly impossible to keep from waking a sleeping child if the other one is up.  I miss my family, I’m having trouble communicating, and I’m starting to feel the isolation of being here.  So really, it’s not that surprising that it all is starting to get to be too much for me.

I did fine until about noon today.  I can explain what got to me, but it probably won’t make any sense — it wasn’t anything awful, it wasn’t anything unmanageable — it was just one thing too many for that moment.  Both boys were napping, and then Liam woke up and was very fussy and I spent about 45 minutes keeping him from waking B.  Eventually, that failed due to a particularly loud bout of crying on Liam’s part (which was frustrating) and B woke up.  So, I got Liam happy (enough) in his/our room and went to get B.  Probably because he’d been woken up early from his nap, Benjamin was a mess — unhappy and crying and asking for a bottle.  So, I told him I’d get one after I went to check on Liam (who was now screaming) and when I started to leave the room, B throws a fit.  He starts shouting, “Mommy Mommy Mommy!” and stomping his feet (which is really very unlike him).  And I just turned around and snapped at him (with frustration and irritation) “What?!?”  And he cries harder.  And then I start to cry (because I just snapped at my two year old and made him cry).  Which made him cry more.  (Meanwhile, Liam is still screaming.)

So, I go and hug B and tell him I’m sorry, but that I have to go get Liam (who is still screaming).  And I get Liam and bring him into B’s room (the living room) and pick B up and sit down on the couch holding both boys.  So now I’m crying, apologizing to B for snapping at him, and B is crying and Liam is screaming.  Excellent.  And I have a passing thought to call Dan, but I don’t know his extension at work (and I can’t imagine calling the UN switchboard while crying and holding two unhappy babies) and our internet wasn’t working, so I couldn’t even email him.  And, just for a moment, I gave in.  I just went ahead and cried and felt overwhelmed and put upon and not up to the task.  And then what?

Well, then nothing.  Nothing really bad happened — yes, I should avoid snapping at Benjamin, but I don’t think he’ll end up permanently scarred.  In all honesty, my crying fit probably freaked him out worse than my snapping at him.  And although it felt like it took about 10 minutes for this all to happen, it was probably closer to 2.  I really just had to give them hugs and kisses, get up, change diapers, feed Liam, make lunch and move on.  So, that’s what I did.

But I’ve still been slipping back into that place of feeling overwhelmed and stressed out.  I really wish I didn’t get like this, but I do sometimes.  I fluctuate between wanting to give myself a break (given current circumstances) and being really frustrated at myself for snapping at my child . . . and then for freaking out and crying about it instead of being a grown up and taking care of my kids.

I wish I could keep the proper perspective when things get to be too much — the absolute best thing I can do is apologize if I need to and then put myself together and get on with things.  I know that NOW, but in the moment, I just don’t.  I’m hoping I’ve gotten the fragility out of my system for now.  We sign the lease on our new place tomorrow, so there is hope on the horizon . . . but I think there’s still a lot between me and really feeling settled.

Dan’s first day

Today was one of those days.  I’ve often said to Dan that these are the days where you make it across the finish line, but rather than making it in one piece, you come across sideways, running on fumes, covered in dirt, with 3 flat tires and a bumper that is hanging off.  That’s what today was like:  we made it, but it wasn’t pretty.

Dan left for work this morning, and I got B some breakfast, fed Liam and played with both of them together.  Shortly after putting Liam down for his first nap of the day (sitting up really wears him out!) B started running laps around the living room.  I looked for potential dangers and didn’t see any — I got the power cords out of the way and moved the sharp-cornered furniture . . . but still, he fell (inevitably) and bumped his poor little nose.  My poor guy — it doesn’t seem to be bad, but I think it really hurt.

008Of course, the kids decided to take turns taking naps — Liam slept for an hour or so while Benjamin was falling and injuring himself, and then just as I was putting B down, Liam woke up.  I got B down, Liam got up and was up for almost 2 hours while Benjamin napped, and then he started getting sleepy.  Just as I was getting him back down (literally, as I’m carrying him in to put him in his bed) B wakes up again.  Sigh.  No rest for Mommy today!

Right after everyone woke up, the cleaning lady showed up.  She’s very nice (near as I can tell) but doesn’t speak a word of English — literally, I speak more German than she does English.  I decided to try to get out of her way, but couldn’t communicate that, so I just got myself and the kids ready to go as fast as I could so we could get out of here.  But, it took us so long to get ourselves together that by the time I got Liam in the stroller and Benjamin dressed, she was done.  Even though that’s really fine, and we didn’t have anywhere to be, it was a little discouraging.

026But, Benjamin was excited to go out, and he kept saying, “That was so nice of her!” about the cleaning lady — it was just too cute for me to stay frustrated.  So, we went out, B with his “do” in hand.  (A “do” is a cloth diaper/burp cloth.  Benjamin coined the term “do” as one of his first words — at first, it meant, “that thing I want” but eventually ended up meaning just those cloths.  Since the term is actually more succinct than what they’re actually called, we’ve adopted it, too.  He has a bunch of them, and they’ve kind of become his little security blankets.)  We had a lovely walk.  It was raining a little, but I was holding Benjamin’s hand and talking about the things he saw, and pushing my happy little Liam in the stroller.  We even stopped for a hot chocolate for me and a chocolate milk for B.  We had a great time.

That is, until we got home, and I realized the “do” that had gone out with us had not come back.  Uh-oh.  So, out we went, into the rain, again, retracing our steps.  I was pretty sure that if it was anywhere, it would be at the bakery where we got our hot chocolate and chocolate milk.  We made it all the way back, but it wasn’t there.  We looked all around, and followed our whole path, but we couldn’t find it.  We even went back to the bakery a second time, just to be sure.  Nope.  Poor Benjamin was pretty heartbroken.  It’s really the first time he’s lost something.  He kept asking me where it was and could I find it.  I had to say it was lost, and no, I couldn’t.  He cried.  It was awful.  He has others, but I know that’s not the point — he’s upset that it didn’t come home with us.

So, it’s been one of those days.  We got through.  We made it.  No points for style, but I think I’ve pretty much given that up for now, anyway.  But Liam is sleeping, B is in the bath and Dan is home.  And tomorrow, we go again.