Father’s Day

Posted on June 19, 2011 by admin

Dads are important — and not just for the evident biological purpose — they teach you things you won’t learn from anyone else. Dads teach you how to whistle, how to tie your shoes, how to ride your bike (with and without training wheels), how to camp, build a kite, use a hammer, pack a car, read a map, float on your back in the pool, pick a perfect Halloween pumpkin or Christmas tree (and how to tie the latter to your car), change your oil, change a tire, drive, make barbecue, build a fire, build a paper airplane, sail (kind of), throw a frisbee, spin a yo-yo, shoot a bow and arrow, debate philosophy or politics, blow a bubble with gum, spell “encyclopedia”, sing the “rubber ducky song”, appreciate A. A. Milne, Shel Silverstein, Isaac Asimov and Star Trek, and dozens of other things I’m not thinking of at the moment.

Or maybe that’s just my Dad.

Thanks, Dad. I love you.

On the mend

Posted on June 16, 2011 by admin

What a day. Woke up this morning to discover that Liam had apparently scratched his eye — his left eye was red and had a semi-visible scratch on it — on the eye ball. (And yes, this is a remarkably similar injury, down to being in the same eye, as my horse was discovered to have yesterday.)

So, we proceeded (as parents do) to discuss taking him to the doctor, versus seeing if he improved on his own, and the logistics of each plan. Dan went to work, and called from the office to talk to our new pediatrician, who, it turns out, doesn’t have office hours on Thursdays, so he called her cell and left a message. Hours passed, and I stared at his eye all morning (he seemed to really enjoy all the “face” time with mommy) and tried to figure out whether I should leave him alone, take him to the emergency room or call another doctor.

Dan finally got a hold of our pediatrician, and after some debate back and forth (always made easier by language barriers) we decided to have him seen by a pediatric opthamologist who, conveniently enough, works out of the same office as our pediatrician (across the street) . . . but who is also out of the office on Thursdays. I’m a mom — I said I wanted to see the specialist, and after a few more phone calls, she decided to come in (on her day off) and meet us.

Meanwhile, I’d had existing plans to meet with a potential primary care doctor for myself today. Her office is on the next block from here, so I went ahead and went to that appointment while the pediatric ophthalmologist came in to meet us. My new doctor (who is amazing, and, weirdly enough, has the same name as my childhood pediatrician) took a look at Liam’s eye, too, and wasn’t worried. But, as I am a mom, that didn’t do it for me. (I did find out that my new doctor does *house calls*. How great will that be in January when I have the flu and don’t have to tote both kids out in the snow to get a diagnosis?)

So, after that, we headed to the pediatric ophthalmologist — who was also wonderful. She had, in fact, come in on her day off, with both of her children (one of whom is 4 months old) just to see us . . . and tell us that Liam is completely fine. We got some drops for his eye as a precaution, but she’s not worried about him.

Benjamin, Liam and I then headed off for the pharmacy, to get the eye drops . . . and then I get a text from Dan. He has (because some part of him still thinks he’s 12) jumped down half a flight of stairs at worked and pulled a muscle in his leg and is in the infirmary. (Yes, really — and he’s going to be fine.) They set him up with an ice pack and he took a nap while resting his leg. Then he got a note from the nurse excusing him from the rest of the day at work, and tomorrow as well.

So, today, we met two great doctors (one of which came in on her day off to see us) and got a day off of work. (Granted, Dan is in some pain, but perhaps there is some education in there for him, as well.) Good work, Austrian health care system!

Pediatrician

Posted on June 14, 2011 by admin

We’re definitely not “just” tourists here: Tourists don’t typically need to find a pediatrician. And this isn’t finding a doctor who will treat you for a day or a weekend or a week because you got sick on vacation: this person will be the primary doctor for the next few years for our children — guiding us through vaccination regimes, tests and developmental yardsticks that are all different than they are a home, and mostly important.

We really, really liked our pediatrician at home. (Well, we still like him, and he’s still there.) It’s not an easy thing to go out and find a doctor in a foreign country, where you don’t speak the language (I know, I say that about a lot of things, but it’s true about a lot of things).

We went and “tried out” our first pediatrician candidate today. Her English is very good (although I think I will always hope for better — this is an important interaction where you really want to be able to understand each other), her office is across the street from our apartment, and, most importantly, Benjamin liked her. (Liam didn’t, but he’s going through his “stranger anxiety” phase, so he doesn’t like anyone.) Today was just an appointment to meet her, have her meet the kids, and to talk a little.

Things are different here, which is both good and bad. They appear to do more testing here: hearing, vision, etc., none of which we did at home, so the boys will probably have to “catch up” on a bunch of evaluations. (Of course, this is an Austrian thing, not specific to this doctor, so that will be true regardless of the doctor we choose.) The vaccines they give, and the timing of them, are different. (I like the fact that she said she’s going to try to come up with a plan that combines what’s normal in the US and what’s normal in Austria, rather than switching them to the Austrian schedule, just to have them have to switch back when we go home.) Even the vitamins and supplements, and their doses, are different here than at home. As examples, they recommend more Vitamin D supplementation than we do at home, and they give fluoride tablets, since it isn’t in the water — and we’re supposed to give these tablets even to little Liam as soon as his first tooth comes in. It’s a lot of “different”, which is hard for me, because I was comfortable and confident with the way we were doing things at home. It’s hard to change the game plan.

On the plus side (and I don’t know if that was just this doctor, or if this is common) we met with the actual doctor the entire time — there wasn’t a nurse who showed us back and took heights and weights — the doctor did all of that herself. I liked the fact that we didn’t feel rushed (she spent an entire hour with us) and I liked the fact that she actually took a moment to get down on the floor with Benjamin to play with him and make him comfortable. I also felt like she understood us well, and was really making an effort to communicate well — and I don’t mean in terms of language — there’s a language barrier, to be sure, but there’s also the potential for a “doctor speak” barrier where you just don’t feel like you’re understanding each other.

Overall, I liked her. I expect that, for now at least, she will be our pediatrician. As much as I don’t love all the differences between what we had at home and what we’re experiencing here, it is really comforting to at least have a doctor, who we’ve met with, to call if we need someone. That need stays the same, wherever you are.

To market

Posted on June 11, 2011 by admin

Saturday is our “work” day in our family: it’s our day to get our household chores and errands done that don’t easily get done during the week. We sweep, do laundry and lately, we unpack and get organized, but hopefully not for too much longer. We usually start after breakfast with a trip to the grocery store. Typically, we all go together, or occasionally, Dan will go with one of the kids while I get some things done around the house with the other one.

Today, we had two errands to run: we had to go to the grocery store and to the drug store (because here, everything is separated into specialty stores — grocery stores aren’t “one stop” shopping like they are in the US). We decided to divide the effort: Dan took Liam to the grocery store down the block, and Benjamin and I headed to the drug store (which is just over 1 km from our apartment).

We had the best time. It was the first time I’ve been out, since we’ve been here, with just one of the boys. It is a completely different thing to only have one to focus on. Benjamin and I were walking, so I didn’t even have a stroller (imagine that!). We walked along, holding hands, and talked about the things we saw. Benjamin told me all about the kinds of cars he was seeing, and we worked on the German words for the colors. We saw some people working in one of the parks (cleaning up and such) and we came upon some flowers (which were labelled as a “guerrilla gardening” project). We took our time, and we really enjoyed ourselves.

When we got to the store, he pushed the cart and helped me look for our purchases, and helped me put them in the cart when we found them. He drove the cart to the checkout and helped me load everything into my bag when we were finished. We each brought a backpack, but since his was full of his toys already, I carried all of our purchases. Since our walk was fairly long, and our shopping was pretty heavy, we opted to take the Strassenbahn (streetcar) back, and it brought us all the way to the top of our street.

It was so much fun. We’re going to try to do that every Saturday — divide the outings, but also divide the kids. I had the best time being one-on-one with Benjamin today. He is such a great kid, and although I’m aware of that all the time, it was really nice to have an hour or so to focus just on him. That was my favorite part of today.

Helping a stay at home mom

Posted on June 5, 2011 by admin

When you stay at home with your kids, lots of things are different than if you work outside the home. There’s the obvious stuff: your job follows you 24/7 (including on vacation), you rarely get to use the bathroom by yourself, the concept of a coffee break is foreign to you, and you get to work in your pajamas. Also, you truly become the CEO of your household. You can manage your kids, your home, the errands, and the dog, all at the same time, and all by yourself for 8 or 10 or 12 hours a day. So, when someone shows up and offers to “help”, however well meaning, it often doesn’t work. It’s not because you’re controlling or because you’re overly particular. It’s because you can juggle everything by yourself, so having a novice step in and try to help you just doesn’t: it messes up your regular rhythm and requires extra accommodation on your part (showing them what to do, explaining why, working around what they’re doing).

Maybe this isn’t specific to stay-at-home-moms: maybe this is just something that happens with whichever member of the family is the one who calls most of the shots and executes most of the plays (I just know it didn’t really show up in my life until I became a stay-at-home-mom).

Whether it’s friends or family, people want to help, which I can appreciate. They want to help around the house, or help with the kids, but 99% of the time, they’re doing a job you don’t mind doing (because no one offers to help with the ones you’d really rather not be doing), they aren’t doing it as well as you would on your own and often, they’re unintentionally creating additional collateral damage that you’ll just have to rectify at some point. I get that they want to help anyway, and it often is actually helpful, but sometimes it isn’t, particularly when they’re insistent on helping with a particular thing or in a particular way. There’s usually no graceful way to turn down even the worst “help”, so you suck it up and accept it anyway and fix everything later. But then they’re offended that you didn’t appreciate their help enough. Why don’t people understand this?

I actually think I know. My dad used to be a professional house painter. I’ve helped him paint before, and when you start, you start with the inside of a closet. Why? Because your mistakes won’t show, you won’t be in his way and he won’t have to redo your work. Instead of being a stay at home mom, imagine I was a cook at a busy restaurant. Would anyone unfamiliar with that business, or even with that particular restaurant, assume they could walk in and actually take some of my load off on the first day? Or would they understand that maybe, after a few weeks of training, they could begin to actually be helpful? The first few days would inevitably be more work for me — telling them what to do and how we do it, explaining my methods and demonstrating my rhythm. What if I were a brain surgeon? Or an air traffic controller? Would just anyone think they could come in and help me do my job that I do every day without their help?

I don’t think they would. I think that, sadly, when people believe they can “help” a stay-at-home-mom without any training or experience, it’s really a form of condescension. (And by “experience”, I don’t mean just having kids, I mean being a stay-at-home-primary-caregiver.) They would never assume to be able to help a “professional” with their work without any training or practice, but they think they can help “just” a mom. It’s an overt demonstration of an internal feeling that a mom’s job is actually so easy that anyone can do it.

Well, it isn’t. I’m good at what I do, and it took years of sweat, tears and exhaustion to learn what works, what doesn’t, and the best way to take care of everyone and get everything done. If you want to help, sincerely, ask me what you can do and actually listen to the answers. You may not understand, but there is a method to my madness and a reason for everything I do. I’m happy to explain it, when I have the time. You may have to paint in the closet at the beginning — try not to be offended. This job is harder than it looks.

The zoo

Posted on June 4, 2011 by admin

I’m working on turning over a new leaf in terms of being flexible (especially with the family schedule), so when Dan suggested that we eat breakfast out this morning, I went along with it, even though it totally blew our busy schedule of chores and house cleaning. We had a lovely time, and still managed to get to the grocery store and do a bit of laundry and organizing before nap time.

It was important, after all, that we keep our afternoon free, because we had plans to go to the zoo today. I mentioned it to Benjamin earlier in the week and he has been talking about it non-stop ever since. He would wake up in the morning and ask if we were going to the zoo today. Then, all day, he would periodically tell me that we couldn’t go to the zoo today because we couldn’t go without Daddy, and Daddy had to work.

Today, we finally went to the zoo. It’s on the grounds of the Schonbrunn Palace, which we’ve visited before. We saw giraffes, tigers, reindeer (with babies!), cranes, lions, monkeys, goats, water buffalo and a rhino. (We tried to see the Pandas, but they were hiding or sleeping or otherwise unavailable.) It’s very zoo-like . . . by which, I mean, it’s what you’d expect: lots of animals.

But, it’s different, too. First, many of the animals (although not the big carnivores) could get out of their enclosures with relatively little effort. The reindeer, for example, were behind a 3′ fence that I imagine they could jump easily if sufficiently motivated — I’m guessing the designers are counting on them being sufficiently motivated very, very rarely (and I’m sure they’re right — why would a reindeer want to visit downtown Vienna when he’s got a cushy reindeer-friendly habitat at his disposal?). Also, people could get IN to many of the enclosures even more easily if they wanted to (which I am not used to). Even Benjamin could have climbed into several of the enclosures (again, not the lions or the tigers, which is good) if we had let him.

It is a very Austrian approach, and it makes me smile. I can imagine having a conversation with the designer:

Me: “What if someone climbs in to the enclosure! They could get hurt!”

Designer: “Why would anyone do that?”

Me: “I don’t know . . . curiosity, foolishness, showing off for their friends?”

Designer: “That would be stupid. They’d probably get hurt.”

Me: “But, they might hurt the animals.”

Designer: “I don’t think so. No one would do that.”

In the US, this conversation would be a precursor to a multi-million dollar lawsuit from the family of someone who was mauled by a reindeer or trampled by goats after climbing into the enclosure with the animals. In Austria, it’s an attitude which is part of the oldest zoo in the world (it’s been there for over 250 years).

If you ask Benjamin, his favorite part of the zoo was the tigers and the flamingos (which we didn’t actually see — but he’s been learning about them on “Go, Diego, Go” all week, so he’s got them on his mind). My favorite part is the fact that you could climb into the enclosures with the animals, but no one does. I love this philosophy that is so pragmatic and irreverently Darwinian, and the fact that people actually seem to be able to control themselves and behave, even though they have the option not to — imagine that.

Such a beautiful day

Posted on June 1, 2011 by admin

We don’t have as fixed a schedule here in Vienna as we did in the US. I was pretty strict with our family schedule at home — here, I’m trying to turn over a new leaf in terms of flexibility, and we’ve also been here for not quite two months (during which time we’ve lived three different places) so we just don’t have things settled yet.

Allowing for flexibility, however, our days tend to follow one of two general patterns: either we get out and explore (or get some things done) first thing after Dan leaves in the morning, followed by an afternoon at home, or we have a relatively quiet morning at home doing household stuff and try to get out in the afternoon. I try to make it a point to get out for a bit every day, and I’ve managed that most days. (I find it helps my sanity, as well as Benjamin’s, to get out and stretch our legs, and I’m also fighting a latent desire to curl up on my couch and watch tv in English all day and temporarily forget where we’re living, which, although occasionally tempting, I know I will regret one day soon.)

Getting the kids out of the house is always an ordeal, although I’m getting better at it. I change diapers, get kids dressed, get myself dressed, make sure the diaper bag is packed, then one child will inevitably need another clean diaper, or one of us will need a clean shirt (because they just spilled something and/or spit up on themselves, or on me), put anything edible away so the dog doesn’t eat it while we’re out, make sure everything is off or closed and squared away, grab my keys or Benjamin’s water or Liam’s pacifier (whatever I almost forgot) . . . and then it’s time to pack all of us, and the stroller, into the too-small elevator and go out into the world.

Typically, by the time I get everyone downstairs and strapped into the stroller, I’m nearly too exhausted to go out.

But every time — every single time — we walk out the front door of the building into the courtyard, Benjamin looks up at the sky and says, “It’s such a beautiful day!” It doesn’t matter what’ it’s like out: cloudy, hot, raining, cold, windy. It’s worth all that effort just to hear it. Really.

Baby food

Posted on May 31, 2011 by admin

Liam is working his way up the baby-food-chain . . . from rice cereal to oatmeal to wheat to veggies. He is a human version of a baby velociraptor — this kid will eat anything that doesn’t move faster than he does. Most babies are relatively slow to take to “solid” food (if oatmeal and pureed carrots can be counted as solid) but not Liam. He doesn’t spit food out, he doesn’t make faces — it goes in, he swallows it and he looks for the next bite, even the first time he tries something. We have to cut him off, at some point, so he doesn’t make himself sick, and he cries when we put the food away. (Don’t worry, he’s still nursing — he won’t starve.) He has yet to meet a food he didn’t like.

The difficulty is that baby food is hard to find here. At least, the kinds of baby food I’m looking for. A variety of formulas are readily available, and rice cereal and oatmeal were easy to find, too (once I learned the word for oatmeal: “haferflocken”, which is a great word). Beyond that, the next step for Austrian babies seems to be “peas and lentils with ham”. The only “single ingredient” pureed baby food I can find here is carrots — everything else is some kind of combo. (I also realized that I’m pretty unlikely to find pureed sweet potatoes here — they’re more of an American continent thing.)

I don’t know if mothers here are more industrious than I am: maybe they’re all making their own baby food (which is possible). Maybe they’re less hung up on uber-testing their kids for allergies to every single possible thing, so they just puree a bunch of stuff together (which is likely). Or maybe I’m shopping in the wrong stores (also possible — I’m looking in the grocery stores and the drug stores, but there may be something else out there). It’s hard to tell, and it can be frustrating. It’s not just that I’m not able to find what I’m looking for, but that I don’t know if what I’m looking for exists, and I don’t know where I’d look for it if it did. I’m not sure which store names to look for, and when I look for the stores online, I’m searching Austrian websites in German. This is not a trivial process.

Today, I packed the kids up and headed out to look at a store which seemed promising. Upon arriving at our destination, I couldn’t find the store (let alone the baby food). I tried a grocery store that I happened upon, but with no luck (they had the same “peas and lentils with ham” that our local store has). When I got home and re-checked the directions, I realized that the address of the store was correct, but the placement on the map was wrong. I was familiar with the area, so I walked to the place I saw depicted on the map, and couldn’t find it (no wonder I couldn’t find the right street, since I was in the wrong neighborhood).

This doesn’t go in the category of major frustration, just mild curiosity turned minor obsession. It is yet another of the things that I took for granted at home and am struggling with here (there are so many). Liam will be fine and will be introduced to all manner of foods (and he’ll probably start catching his own meals next week). But here I am, thinking wistfully of the baby food aisle at Safeway — never thought that would happen.

My favorite part . . .

Posted on May 30, 2011 by admin

Benjamin and I have a ritual in the evenings. Sometime between dinner and bedtime, I’ll turn to him and say, “Benjamin, what was your favorite part of today?” And he’ll say, “Um . . . my favorite part of today was . . .” and he’ll tell me. It’s usually something we played together, someone we talked to or something really neat that we saw or did.

It’s always interesting to hear what he picks out from his day. I love seeing him contemplate it, and the huge smile that lights up his face when he tells me. (It’s also a great exercise, for both of us, in putting our mental energy towards the best parts of our day, rather than the alternative. I can only imagine the wonders this will do for his psyche if he starts now. Imagine a lifetime of remembering your favorite moment in a day, every day.)

After I ask him about his favorite part, he asks me about mine, and I tell him. But, truthfully, one of my favorite moments is having that conversation with him. That would be a boring answer every day, though, so I usually pick something else.

The rain

Posted on May 27, 2011 by admin

What a day. I woke up this morning to my first humid day in Vienna. (That is something I do NOT miss about home.) It made the heat so much more unpleasant. The kids and I were all sticky and grumpy by 10:00 in the morning. It was forecasted to get warmer, and I was imagining just being miserable by mid-afternoon.

But then, the rain came. A real, torrential downpour. We’ve had rain since we’ve been here (although it’s astounding how dry it is here) but nothing like this. This was a good, pouring rain that lasted for a little while. As the rain started in earnest, I ran around the house, closing windows, doors and the skylight to keep it outside (where it belongs).

The effect was glorious. I got to sit in my attic apartment and experience the storm for a while, and when it cleared, the air was cooler, cleaner and drier. (In fact, the air here is so dry that about 20 minutes after the rain had stopped, our terrace was completely dry.) It was lovely.

Then, we had a heck of an evening. Liam tried to choke (quite seriously) on a piece of a toy, which turned me into a trembling mess on the floor after rescuing him. We went out to dinner and then the rain started again, so we walked home in a thunderstorm (which Benjamin later said was the best part of his day, so that wasn’t a total loss). Then, Dan got stuck in the elevator coming home from dinner and had to be rescued by the fire department.

What a day. The rain is nice. I am tired.

A Mommy Abroad

Our big adventure, as a family of three.

Category Archives: Kids and Parenting