A while ago, I started collecting a list of things that I hear myself say that make me think, “Wait . . . what?!?” Because parenting is like that. You find yourself saying, in a perfectly reasonable tone of voice, some really absurd things.
I posted my first collection of “Things I never thought I’d say” back in November. These are the ones I’ve been collecting since then:
Please stop chewing on my toes. Stop hitting your brother with that bird. Toothbrushes are not for cleaning the walls. I know he’s wearing stripes, but the baby is not a xylophone. Don’t hit the tv with your bike. Don’t stand on your brother. Very good job hammering with your fork. No bikes on the couch. You still have chocolate/pizza/strawberry behind/in your ear. Don’t feed that crayon to the dog. No feet in the popcorn bowl. If you keep chewing on that mouse, I’m going to have to take it away from you. No riding on the baby! Yes, honey, I imagine unicorns do poop . . . or would . . . but only real ones, not that stuffed one. Please don’t put beef in your ear. Take that peanut out of your ear! Just because you can ride a bike doesn’t mean you can stand on the back of the couch.
Yep. Seriously. I said all of those. Now I’m off to start the next collection . . . (I also think I’m going to start collecting, “Things Benjamin says”. That’s entertaining, too.)