Wonderful but grumpy

20120523-235600.jpgI had such a great day. My boys and I had a quiet morning before heading out to Poolesville with my mom. We met my dad for a nice lunch, and were joined by two of my sisters and my step-mother before going out to see my horses, and some great friends, for the first time in over a year. Despite the rain which hit us with a downpour as soon as we left for the barn, it was wonderful to pat my sweet horses again. I even got a nicker of recognition from both Cricket and Ellie (which was heartwarming and just plain awesome). I was so happy to see them again, and to see, with my own eyes, how well they are doing while I’m away. We all got a bit soggy while out visiting with the horses, but it was fun to see Benjamin tentatively approach the horses for a visit, and to see Liam march right up and pat their noses.

After communing with the equines, we all went back to my dad’s for a fun evening, complete with a great dinner. The boys got to run around and play while I got to visit with a lot of my family.

It was really a treat — exactly the kind of day I was looking forward to when we planned our visit home. (And all of my parents’ collective ability and willingness to happily spend the day together is something I will never cease to be grateful for and amazed by.) But . . . we had a long day, and Poolesville is an hour away from my mom’s, and by the time we got home, I was exhausted and grumpy. So, I was tired, and grumpy, and my kids were tired, too. But, I’d had a wonderful day, and my boys were such good sports about being toted from one side of the county to the other. With 90% of my brain (or more) I was filled with happiness and gratitude for the amazing day I just got to spend with my family . . . but then there was the part of me that was grumpy and irritable.

It sucks. I know it does. I know there’s no excuse, nor really even any good reason, for me to be in a bad mood at that moment. I know that whatever part of me that is grateful and happy is pretty much overshadowed, to everyone around me, by the part of me that ends up stressed out and overtired. I should focus on the good day we’ve had, assess the current situation, make the decision to skip anything non-essential, and get my boys into bed with a smile on my face. I *know* that’s what I should do, but today, I couldn’t quite manage it (my mom helped, which was great, but I still couldn’t quite do it). It’s like I know what I should do, but I just can’t manage to hit the override switch and actually do it. So I end the great day on a slightly sour note, and I hate it.

I had a great day. I really, truly did, and I wouldn’t have changed it if I had it to do over again. But I ended the day tired, stressed and irritable, and I feel like I really let my family — my kids in particular — down by not keeping myself in a good frame of mind.

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